Butterflies on the sea

Today me and Mom went to the beach to throw some flowers for our loved ones.
As I wrote in my earlier post, today is supposed to be Morgan’s 37th birthday and 14th year commemoration of my Dad’s death.

Dad always told me that he wanted to be cremated once he passed away. And he wanted us to scatter his ashes to the sea. He was Buddhist and he believed in reincarnation. Throwing ash to the sea helps the spirit to be free and goes directly to God, because the body is no longer attaches to the earth.

He also said that by throwing his ash to the sea, it would reduce the sadness whenever the family wanted to visit him. Going to the beach is indeed more fun than going to a graveyard. I still remember he said, “I want everyone to have fun whenever you guys visit me. Don’t be sad. Just enjoy the beach and have a good time”.

14 years ago, he passed away and we cremated him. One of our relatives told Mom not to be surprised if there was something unusual happened on that day, such as: she might see an animal or something. Indonesians are very superstitious and with a combination of Buddhism’s believes, my uncle told her that the animal (or could be in other form) could represent my Dad’s spirit who wanted to say goodbye.

Then when she was praying at the crematorium, a white butterfly flew around her body and laid on her thigh. It flew away as soon as she finished her prayer. She was touched. Perhaps Dad wanted to say goodbye…

When my sister in law gave birth, on the critical moment, Mom, my big brother and his wife, saw a white butterfly flying around in that room! A butterfly in a sterilized hospital room? How odd could that be?

So, this morning… it was very quiet and peaceful there. In the middle of the sea. We threw flowers and sent our prayers. A blue sky and a soft wind breeze made it such a beautiful morning.

We stayed silent for a while. I cried a lot. I really missed you, babe. I really wished you were here. But, seeing the bright and blue sky, with beautiful clouds as white as cottons, I tried to assure myself that you’re having a good time up there. I’m sure it must be more beautiful there than here.. and that’s why you’d love it.

Then our boat started to sail again. Brought us back to the beach. And that’s when I saw two butterflies flying… at the back of our boat… Those two butterflies followed us until we reached the beach.. as if they guided us til we arrived safely to the land…

Mom was very touched. Her body was shaking and she burst out to cry (again).
Whether those two beautiful butterflies were you and Dad, I don’t know. But what I know for sure is that I have two guardian angels now. My lovely Dad and you, my gorgeous boyfriend.


  • nilzzz… ntar kita doa yuuks bareng2 sayyy… doa untuk membuka hati, ajak aja bokap n morgan juga untuk berdoa dari tempatnya masing2…. :):):) Let’s ask dear Tuhan semoga segala rasa kesepian kesedihan dan kehilangan digantikan dengan kepasrahan dan Cinta!! 🙂 Let me know yaa, kalo mau bareng2 ya sayyy (u know my email kan)…. Luv!

  • OMG! that’s very spiritual and touching… can be converted into a movie plot… I thought that happens only in movies… Namoamitabha,Allahwaakba,Alleluya and etc? dono what to say anymore..

  • Lots of things happenin’ in ur life lately, yah 🙁 and I’m so touched knowing that you really lit up a candle and sang a happy bday song for Morgan yesterday. Things will be OK, darling… the butterflies are around us 🙂

  • nila, no words can actually express how you’re feeling, but these words and sentences you wrote, really make me feel, I wanna give you a hug and let you cry your heart out.

    It’s hard to let it go, especially persons we really love. but darling, don’t just remember the tragic events, remember the good times, memories you have with both your dad and your boyfriend.

    I hope, you will be strong to move on. Don’t get me wrong, moving on is not to forget but it’s to embrace the future while keeping the sweet past.


    Do not stand at my grave and weep;
    I am not there. I do not sleep.
    I am a thousand winds that blow,
    I am the diamond glints on snow,
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
    I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

    When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
    I am the swift uplifting rush,
    Of quiet birds circled flight
    I am the soft stars that shine at night.
    Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.

    By : David Majeske


  • I envy you for taking this the way you have. Never forgetting the good times mean that whenever you miss someone a lot, perhaps those memories bring fondness, along with the longing to relive those moments. Often times, the pangs of pain might be unbearable, but hold on tight to those fond memories, and live those moments in your mind, for often as you want.

    People say time heals. I offer you the thought that time only lessens the frequency you long for the people who left us. Often, the memory comes hurtling back to our mind when we see something that reminds us of them. I try to let the good moments turn my longing into a smile.

    I pray that given time, you can too. Take care maam.

  • For your understanding in your days of grief…
    Death is greatly misunderstood as being the end of it all, of coming too soon. Death always seems to be something just out of your understanding, responsibility, control and power. This is completely inaccurate. Death is a just a transformation – from one way of being into another. A death is just a night to your soul.

    No man or woman consciously knows for sure which day will be the last for him or her in this particular life, that each calls the present one. Mortality with its birth and death is the framework in which the soul, for now, is expressed in flesh. It seems, perhaps, easier to have no conscious idea of the year or time that death might occur.

    Unconsciously of course each man and woman knows, and yet hides the knowledge. The knowledge is usually hidden for many reasons, but the fact of death, personal death, is never forgotten. It seems obvious, but the full enjoyment of life would be impossible in the framework, now, of earthly reality without the knowledge of death.

    Life and death are but two faces of your eternal, ever changing existence, however feel and appreciate the joy of your own being. Many who lived into the ripe old age of eighties or their nineties appreciated the extent of the beauty of their being and are seemed to be aware of the withdrawing of life force (energy) and their impending death.

    Remember life implies death, and death implies life. Death is therefore as creative as birth, as necessary for action and consciousness, in your terms. Rest assures that death is another beginning.

    Whether you die today or tomorrow, you have lived before, and will again, and your new life, in your terms, springs out of the old, and is growing in the old and contained within it as the seed is already contained within the flower.

    No one “dies” before his or her time. In the entire fabric of your existence, this life is a brilliant, eternally unique and precious portion, but only a portion, from which you emerge with joy and understanding whether you die tomorrow or in years to come.

    The choice , manner and time of death are always yours. When the soul is ready to release the body, when it has accomplished what it came here to do, it moves on.

  • Dear Nila,

    I am very sorry for your loss and being a selfish human being, I really wish that I go before my beloved hubby so that I will not be the one suffering, as bizzare as it sounds. I don’t think I can be as strong as you.

    My thoughts will always be with you.


  • So sorry to hear you lost your dad at such a young age…but he is lucky to have you and your mom to remember him that lovingly always.
    Your dad was a pratical and truthful man….that’s what good Buddhist are. Yes.. cremation is best and clean. Burying is a cultured thing…not really a must….started by maharajahs..followed by rich blokes and now everybody does it…. giving the living so much inconviences.
    May you have joy…health and happiness with your mother always.

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