A month later… (part one)

Today is exactly a month after Morgan‘s death, yet my tears still drop each day…
It’s been a tough month for me. You don’t want to know how it feels. Awful. Painful. Extremely sad. Yet, I can’t do anything to get rid of those feelings. I even asked a psychologist when I was in Yogya, “Can you give me some practical tips to get rid of this sadness?” She said, “Am sorry dear, there’s no such tips. You have to go through this process. You’ll feel sad for a while. You’ll cry a lot, but that’s ok. It’s part of the process. After that, you’ll start accepting the reality and move on with your life”.

I’ve been wondering, it’s been a month but I still cry almost every day. Is that normal? I know that he wouldn’t like to see me cry. But I just can’t help it.. this is just too sad.. I miss him every single day.. 🙁

I flew to Sydney on Monday, 19 March 07 evening with a friend journo from The Age&Sydney Morning Herald, his assistant and Morgan’s assistant. We arrived there on Tuesday, 20 March 07. Went straight to the Northern Suburbs Crematorium as it was the day when Morgan’s body would be cremated.

I met his Mom, Dad and his sister Caroline again. And I finally met his older sis, Lucy with her hubby James and their children – Kathryn and Simon, Morgan’s wonderful niece and nephew, the ones that he loved dearly.

Then, there were his best friends. Oh my goodness. It was really weird to meet all his closest friends without him around. He always mentioned these people’s names, but then when I got a chance to meet them in person, he wasn’t there. It’s really sad. Babe, your best friends looked so sad. I could see it in their eyes… I believe they missed you so much too!

Here comes the hardest part. When I entered the room (it looked like a chapel), there laid his casket, covered with Australian national flag. Oh my God… tell me it isn’t real! I couldn’t believe myself to see it. It was very hard to imagine that his body was inside the casket. It was very surreal. It really hit me hard to see it. Bang!!! This is real, Nila.

Dawn, his Mom delivered a short speech, saying that Morgan once said, “Mum, I want to live as close to the edge as I can without falling off’”. “And he never fell off”, said Dawn.

His Dad (Peter), his bestfriends: Simon and Justin, and Morgan’s assistant delivered speeches as well. They said nice things about Morgan, that made me sad even more! Oh dear…

I had a 10 minute time “talking” to him, next to his casket, alone. Had to say goodbye (I hate goodbyes!). Oh… it seems like yesterday that he’s walking around, smiling, laughing out loud together watching Jackass III movie and now… he’s gone… forever… Babe, I knew you’re there, watching me from above… I felt like hugging you, really… wish I could…

(to be continued)


  • Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
    The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
    When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
    Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

    Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
    Earth’s joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
    Change and decay in all around I see;
    O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

    I need Thy presence every passing hour.
    What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s power?
    Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
    Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

    I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
    Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
    Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
    I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

    Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
    Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
    Heaven’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
    In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

    Henry F Lyte – 1861

  • I’m really sorry Nila. I’ll continue praying for you. I might not understand this sadness that you’re going through, nor I know the both of you, but I do have love ones too and I know how much it hurts to say goodbye.

    God bless!

  • hi nila,
    it’s ria here, still remember me? how are you anyway? i think, it’s normal for you to be sad and still mourn, it takes time to heal. so take your time, don’t even force yourself.

    happy easter ya..


  • sis

    it’s ok to cry. i cried a lot for months after my daughter’s death last year.

    cherish the sweet memories and let time does its magic to heal your wound.

    i pray that God gives you the strength as He gave me.


  • Hi! Nila ..

    I could feel the pain & sadness that you’re going through but you will eventually comes to terms with yourself & move on.

    Morgan will FOREVER be a part of you and you a part of him. Nothing will ever change this fact.

    In time, you will cherish the memories and yourself, too, to light up the life of everyone around you just the way that you & Morgan wants it to be.

    I did all that when my Mum left me 3 years ago ..

    Be strong !! .. Life goes on, Dear! 🙂 🙂

  • Nila,
    Be stronger.
    As your PR Editor said to you, it was God plan and He gave it to you for some reason.

    We may not be understand but I do believe, someday you’ll understand.

    Pls remember the happy times, at least it makes Morgan smile from above.

  • dear pw, thanks for sharing the beautiful poem…

    aims, ria, lo, the razzler, allied, tere, nilla, iman:
    thank you for your nice encouraging words. i try to be strong, but it’s easier to write and say it, than doing it. Hehehe.. anyway, i keep on trying! 🙂

    muststopthis: have read that post in rocky’s blog.
    am glad if i made an impact. thanks, muststopthis.

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